I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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