why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
