last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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