I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
