I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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