And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
