my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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