i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize