The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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