She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
