I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
