not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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