Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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