who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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