Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
