no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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