Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just had sex on a roof
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
