I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
