proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
