i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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