im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
