Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize