Where did you get a picture of my penis
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
