I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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