There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
