i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
