I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
