Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
