if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
