I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
