Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
