I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
