I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
