Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
