he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
