So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
