I think I won the penis lottery.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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