ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
