Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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