Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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