I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
