She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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