I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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