a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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