Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
