I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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