I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
