did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
