i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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