Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
