I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
