this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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