Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
