Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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