just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
