the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
