Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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