i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
