sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
