sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
