My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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