mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
